Withdrawal vs Repair
Video Notes
There is nothing wrong with a little bit of personal time. In fact, everyone needs a little bit of personal time.
Personal time becomes a problem when it becomes a pattern, particularly if that pattern develops as a result of unresolved conflict in relationships.
Withdrawal is the loneliest of the 7 deadly relational dysfunctions.
Human beings are social creatures wired for relationship – made in the image of a loving God.
If we do not have good, healthy relationships, we deprive ourselves the same way as we would if we did not eat enough food or drink enough water or get enough sunlight or get enough exercise. We need social relationships as much as we need basic physical things.
When we do not have healthy relationships, we suffer from loneliness.
Loneliness is bad for your health. It is associated with:
Personal time becomes a problem when it becomes a pattern, particularly if that pattern develops as a result of unresolved conflict in relationships.
Withdrawal is the loneliest of the 7 deadly relational dysfunctions.
Human beings are social creatures wired for relationship – made in the image of a loving God.
If we do not have good, healthy relationships, we deprive ourselves the same way as we would if we did not eat enough food or drink enough water or get enough sunlight or get enough exercise. We need social relationships as much as we need basic physical things.
When we do not have healthy relationships, we suffer from loneliness.
Loneliness is bad for your health. It is associated with:
- Increased Mortality
- Increased Obesity
- Decreased Immune Function
- Increased Inflammation
- Increased Type 2 Diabetes
- Increased Heart Disease
- Increased Arthritis
“A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken.” -- Proverbs 15:13
Loneliness has increased from 20% in the 1980’s to over 40% today. Loneliness is highest among 18-34 year olds. Those who are more connected by virtual social media relationships seem to be less connected in actual personal relationships.
Relationships involve two main skills: Friend-Making & Friend-Keeping. Many of us are strong in one or the other skill, but not necessarily both.
Some may be very good at holding on to relationships by forming intimate bonds, but have a difficult time making new friends.
Most of us are on the other end of the spectrum, where we can easily form surface relationships. We do fine in the novel phase of friendship, but we tend to have more difficulty working through conflict into the deeper phases of relationship. Friend-keeping is more commonly the weaker skill.
The reason we do not keep friends as well is because we do not have good conflict resolution skills.
Relationships involve two main skills: Friend-Making & Friend-Keeping. Many of us are strong in one or the other skill, but not necessarily both.
Some may be very good at holding on to relationships by forming intimate bonds, but have a difficult time making new friends.
Most of us are on the other end of the spectrum, where we can easily form surface relationships. We do fine in the novel phase of friendship, but we tend to have more difficulty working through conflict into the deeper phases of relationship. Friend-keeping is more commonly the weaker skill.
The reason we do not keep friends as well is because we do not have good conflict resolution skills.
“The difference between masters and disasters is the ability to repair a relationship.” -- John Gottman
The replacement behavior for withdrawal is: REPAIR
The crucial aspect of the repair process is the environment that surrounds the relationship. Have you created an environment through generosity and kindness that would make the other person more inclined to want to repair the relationship with you?
The crucial aspect of the repair process is the environment that surrounds the relationship. Have you created an environment through generosity and kindness that would make the other person more inclined to want to repair the relationship with you?
The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman explains 5 different ways that we communicate love.
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time
- Receiving Gifts
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Definitions of the 5 Love Languages
Words of Affirmation are statements that express love and appreciation, support, hope, encouragement, and care, and include genuine compliments (not flattery).
Quality Time means prioritizing focused, meaningful interactions and shared experiences over simply being in the same space, emphasizing undivided attention and actively engaging with each other.
Receiving Gifts means fostering the feeling of being loved and appreciated through tangible tokens and the thoughtfulness behind them, rather than the cost or extravagance of the gift itself (not bribery).
Acts of Service involves demonstrating care and love through actions, such as: running errands, doing chores, or helping with tasks (unburdening the other person).
Physical Touch involves expressing love, comfort, pride, and gratitude through physical contact like hugs, kisses, holding hands, or other kind physical gestures conveying closeness, emotional connection, praise, or encouragement.
Quality Time means prioritizing focused, meaningful interactions and shared experiences over simply being in the same space, emphasizing undivided attention and actively engaging with each other.
Receiving Gifts means fostering the feeling of being loved and appreciated through tangible tokens and the thoughtfulness behind them, rather than the cost or extravagance of the gift itself (not bribery).
Acts of Service involves demonstrating care and love through actions, such as: running errands, doing chores, or helping with tasks (unburdening the other person).
Physical Touch involves expressing love, comfort, pride, and gratitude through physical contact like hugs, kisses, holding hands, or other kind physical gestures conveying closeness, emotional connection, praise, or encouragement.
The key to communicate love effectively is to "speak" in the other person’s language, which involves being unselfish.
When we are consistently unselfish in a relationship – then, when something goes wrong, and however awkwardly we may attempt to repair it, if we have been kind and loving to that person in the past in their love language – they are going to want to repair the relationship with us. They are going to be very receptive. This is what determines the success of your repair attempts.
Another very important skill, which is universal, is to simply say” “I am sorry.”
In repairing the relationship, take responsibility for what you did to cause the problem. Do not focus on their responsibility. Focus on your own and leave space for them to take responsibility for what they did.
With these conflict resolution skills – these repair skills in place – you can repair your relationships, and move forward into the deeper areas of intimacy, rather than withdrawing from those relationships and sinking into loneliness.
When we are consistently unselfish in a relationship – then, when something goes wrong, and however awkwardly we may attempt to repair it, if we have been kind and loving to that person in the past in their love language – they are going to want to repair the relationship with us. They are going to be very receptive. This is what determines the success of your repair attempts.
Another very important skill, which is universal, is to simply say” “I am sorry.”
In repairing the relationship, take responsibility for what you did to cause the problem. Do not focus on their responsibility. Focus on your own and leave space for them to take responsibility for what they did.
With these conflict resolution skills – these repair skills in place – you can repair your relationships, and move forward into the deeper areas of intimacy, rather than withdrawing from those relationships and sinking into loneliness.
The cure for withdrawal from a relationship
is to repair the relationship.
All you need is to use the right tools.
Note: These same tools are also effective for maintaining
and strengthening healthy relationships.
is to repair the relationship.
All you need is to use the right tools.
Note: These same tools are also effective for maintaining
and strengthening healthy relationships.
Notes & Worksheet
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