Misinterpretation vs Checking-In
Video Notes
Do you tend to misinterpret compliments negatively? Would your interpretation of: “You look nice in blue.” mean: “You do not look nice in colors other than blue.” ?
There are 4 dysfunctional traits that are:
The traits are: 1. Escalation, 2. Invalidation, 3. Negative Interpretation, 4. Withdrawal
Many relationships are plagued by more than one of these traits, because they tend to occur as “co-morbidities.” Any one dysfunctional trait can cause the other dysfunctional traits to develop.
Negative interpretation is associated with both depression and anxiety.
It is the way we think about situations that ultimately determines how we feel about situations.
To a large degree, most of the circumstances that we encounter in life are neutral, and it is up to us to interpret those circumstances as positive, negative, or neutral.
Some people tend to have a negative bias much greater than other people. They tend to see negativity where no negativity exists.
People who are negatively biased tend to misinterpret things negatively and often to an extreme degree.
The emotional disturbance that they experience from their negative interpretation is proportional to the degree that their misinterpretation is from the truth.
This can be extremely frustrating for the person who is being misinterpreted. They can get angry or dismissive (making things worse), and eventually they throw their hands up in despair and walk away.
The replacement behavior for misinterpretation is: CHECKING-IN.
Checking-in involves seeing IF the way you interpret others is actually correct.
Checking-in involves actively listening.
A useful technique to develop good, empathic, active listening skills is the acronym: E.A.R.
There are 4 dysfunctional traits that are:
- Most common in all failed relationships.
- Strong predictors of divorce.
- Often learned in the home of origin.
- Tend to neutralize all the good in a relationship.
The traits are: 1. Escalation, 2. Invalidation, 3. Negative Interpretation, 4. Withdrawal
Many relationships are plagued by more than one of these traits, because they tend to occur as “co-morbidities.” Any one dysfunctional trait can cause the other dysfunctional traits to develop.
Negative interpretation is associated with both depression and anxiety.
It is the way we think about situations that ultimately determines how we feel about situations.
To a large degree, most of the circumstances that we encounter in life are neutral, and it is up to us to interpret those circumstances as positive, negative, or neutral.
Some people tend to have a negative bias much greater than other people. They tend to see negativity where no negativity exists.
People who are negatively biased tend to misinterpret things negatively and often to an extreme degree.
The emotional disturbance that they experience from their negative interpretation is proportional to the degree that their misinterpretation is from the truth.
This can be extremely frustrating for the person who is being misinterpreted. They can get angry or dismissive (making things worse), and eventually they throw their hands up in despair and walk away.
The replacement behavior for misinterpretation is: CHECKING-IN.
Checking-in involves seeing IF the way you interpret others is actually correct.
Checking-in involves actively listening.
A useful technique to develop good, empathic, active listening skills is the acronym: E.A.R.
Empathy = Ask and Reflect
The E.A.R. technique involves two basic activities:
Challenge: When given a possible compliment in which you hear a subtle negative message, ask a clarifying question. Example: “Are you saying I do not look nice in colors other than blue?” Then the other person can correct your misconception, and you can learn how to detect and correct your negative misinterpretation bias.
- Asking open-ended questions of that person to give them an opportunity to express themselves – how they really feel, what they really meant – and creating a safe environment in which they can tell the truth about themselves, their feelings, and the situation.
- Reflecting back to that person what you heard them say.
- These two basic activities may need to be repeated until what was said matches what was heard.
Challenge: When given a possible compliment in which you hear a subtle negative message, ask a clarifying question. Example: “Are you saying I do not look nice in colors other than blue?” Then the other person can correct your misconception, and you can learn how to detect and correct your negative misinterpretation bias.
It really pays to Check-In.
Notes & Worksheet
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