Invalidation vs Good Listening
Video Notes
Invalidation is the most subtle of the relational dysfunctions, but it is also the most common.
There are 4 dysfunctional traits that are:
Many relationships are plagued by more than one of these traits, because they tend to occur as “co-morbidities.” Any one dysfunctional trait can cause any of the other dysfunctional traits to develop.
There are 4 dysfunctional traits that are:
- Most common in all failed relationships.
- Strong predictors of divorce.
- Often learned in the home of origin.
- Tend to neutralize all the good in a relationship.
Many relationships are plagued by more than one of these traits, because they tend to occur as “co-morbidities.” Any one dysfunctional trait can cause any of the other dysfunctional traits to develop.
Broad Categories of the different Forms of Invalidation with Specific Examples:
Ordering
Smile! Be happy! Cheer up! Get over it! Grow up! Don’t look so sad. Don’t look so smug.
Isolating
You're the only one that feels that way. It doesn’t bother anyone else.
Minimizing Feelings
You must be kidding. You can’t be serious! Seriously?
Using Reason
There’s no reason you should feel that way. You’re not being rational.
Judging & Labeling
You’re a crybaby. You’re too sensitive. You’re overreacting.
Should’ing
You should be excited. You should be happy. You shouldn’t complain.
Sarcasm & Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of any one but yourself? What about my feelings?
Philosophizing / Clichés
Time heals all wounds. Every cloud has a silver lining. There’s a reason for everything.
Religionizing
I’ll pray for you. God will help you.
Smile! Be happy! Cheer up! Get over it! Grow up! Don’t look so sad. Don’t look so smug.
Isolating
You're the only one that feels that way. It doesn’t bother anyone else.
Minimizing Feelings
You must be kidding. You can’t be serious! Seriously?
Using Reason
There’s no reason you should feel that way. You’re not being rational.
Judging & Labeling
You’re a crybaby. You’re too sensitive. You’re overreacting.
Should’ing
You should be excited. You should be happy. You shouldn’t complain.
Sarcasm & Mocking
Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?
Guilt Trips
Don't you ever think of any one but yourself? What about my feelings?
Philosophizing / Clichés
Time heals all wounds. Every cloud has a silver lining. There’s a reason for everything.
Religionizing
I’ll pray for you. God will help you.
Many of these comments are good things to say in the right circumstances, but they become invalidating when you fail to first listen carefully and empathize with the person.
The replacement behavior for Invalidation is: GOOD LISTENING.
Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. -- James 1:19
Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. -- James 1:19
Sadly, most people are the exact opposite: slow to hear, quick to speak, and quick to wrath (anger). Also realize, it is our slowness to hear that often leads to escalation or withdrawal.
Active, Empathic Listening is so effective that the FBI developed a model that is based on it to use in hostage negotiations for preventing escalation that is built on Active Listening = Behavioral Change Stairway Model:
Active, Empathic Listening is so effective that the FBI developed a model that is based on it to use in hostage negotiations for preventing escalation that is built on Active Listening = Behavioral Change Stairway Model:
Active Listening Skills
1. Paraphrasing - “Let me make sure I understand, are you saying... (what they said but in your own words).”
2. Summarizing - “I hear what you’re saying,... (what they said, but in a shorter version).”
3. Asking open-ended questions - What, When, Where, How, but not Why.
4. Respond with “I” statements - “When you tell me what happened to you, I feel so... (empathize).”
You do not need to agree with the person, but you should help them realize that they have been understood.
2. Summarizing - “I hear what you’re saying,... (what they said, but in a shorter version).”
3. Asking open-ended questions - What, When, Where, How, but not Why.
- These questions invite the person to express themselves and process things.
- While assuring them that you are listening and not judging or accusing them.
4. Respond with “I” statements - “When you tell me what happened to you, I feel so... (empathize).”
You do not need to agree with the person, but you should help them realize that they have been understood.
Good, solid, sincere, active, empathic listening is the best way to help someone feel understood.
Try it. You will see the benefit.
Try it. You will see the benefit.
Notes & Worksheet
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