Escalation vs Time Out
Video Notes
Anger is a very complicated emotion, but every mature adult must learn how to manage their anger.
Do not let your anger express itself. By itself, anger hurts. You want your words and behavior to express yourself -- why you are angry, not just that you are angry.
When people express their raw anger, it actually deepens their feelings of anger. Venting your anger is counterproductive, not therapeutic (as previously thought in Hydraulic Theory).
What should you do with pent up anger until you have the opportunity to express it appropriately?
A big part of all effective anger management programs is physical exercise.
Another important component for effective anger management is to learn how to control your thought life because our emotions are largely the result of the way we think about things, which are often distorted. (See review below.)
First, you need to realize that you are not responsible for other people’s behavior. If a conversation turns into an increasingly frustrating argument, simply walk away, but revisit the issue later (as soon as possible) under calmer circumstances.
Carrying anger can be very harmful. In fact, one’s “Hostility Level” is a better predictor of heart disease than traditional factors (high cholesterol, high blood pressure, smoking, obesity).
But there is a difference between Constructive Anger vs Destructive Anger. Destructive anger has the harmful effects. Constructive anger does not.
Do not let your anger express itself. By itself, anger hurts. You want your words and behavior to express yourself -- why you are angry, not just that you are angry.
When people express their raw anger, it actually deepens their feelings of anger. Venting your anger is counterproductive, not therapeutic (as previously thought in Hydraulic Theory).
What should you do with pent up anger until you have the opportunity to express it appropriately?
A big part of all effective anger management programs is physical exercise.
- Unresolved anger causes stress hormones to build up in the body.
- The only way for them to be metabolized is through physical exercise.
Another important component for effective anger management is to learn how to control your thought life because our emotions are largely the result of the way we think about things, which are often distorted. (See review below.)
First, you need to realize that you are not responsible for other people’s behavior. If a conversation turns into an increasingly frustrating argument, simply walk away, but revisit the issue later (as soon as possible) under calmer circumstances.
Carrying anger can be very harmful. In fact, one’s “Hostility Level” is a better predictor of heart disease than traditional factors (high cholesterol, high blood pressure, smoking, obesity).
But there is a difference between Constructive Anger vs Destructive Anger. Destructive anger has the harmful effects. Constructive anger does not.
The most significant damage we do through our anger is to our relationships.
Learn how to control your anger (temper), because losing your temper and taking it out on the other person inappropriately damages the relationship. Repeated outbursts of raw anger can do irreparable damage. Your relationship may never be the same. If married, it may result in “irreconcilable differences” (divorce), even though the underlying cause was poorly managed (immature) anger.
Escalation is the process of losing your temper. This process tends to feed off Reactive Cycles.
A Reactive Cycle is very difficult to break (aka: Vicious Cycle). It often requires a miracle.
The way out of a reactive cycle is “Up.” (“The way out is up.”)
The healthiest marriages are not the ones in which the individuals never argue. They are the ones who attempt to avoid arguments by discussing their disagreements respectfully in a fair and kind manner, but if/when an argument ensues, they each know individually when to back out of it.
The replacement behavior for escalation is “TIME OUT.”
Learn how to back out of a potentially escalating situation:
This helps avoid the problem of ignoring the issue and never getting any resolution. It also allows the relationship to heal and actually grow stronger by the bonds of knowing that they can trust each other and express themselves in a caring way and change their behaviors to be more considerate and loving.
When you get angry, and if you are in doubt whether you can control your anger appropriately or not, take a time out. (“If in doubt, take a time out.”), especially if the miracle way out (“Up”) needs some time to take effect.
Learn how to control your anger (temper), because losing your temper and taking it out on the other person inappropriately damages the relationship. Repeated outbursts of raw anger can do irreparable damage. Your relationship may never be the same. If married, it may result in “irreconcilable differences” (divorce), even though the underlying cause was poorly managed (immature) anger.
Escalation is the process of losing your temper. This process tends to feed off Reactive Cycles.
A Reactive Cycle is very difficult to break (aka: Vicious Cycle). It often requires a miracle.
The way out of a reactive cycle is “Up.” (“The way out is up.”)
- Send a prayer up to God when you get caught in a reactive cycle.
- You want to respond conscientiously. You do not want to react emotionally.
- Ask God for wisdom on how to interact with the person you are tempted to react in a non-productive or destructive way.
The healthiest marriages are not the ones in which the individuals never argue. They are the ones who attempt to avoid arguments by discussing their disagreements respectfully in a fair and kind manner, but if/when an argument ensues, they each know individually when to back out of it.
The replacement behavior for escalation is “TIME OUT.”
Learn how to back out of a potentially escalating situation:
- Agree ahead of time that when either of you feel you are escalating, you can call, “Time Out.”
- The other person is obligated to agree to that time out.
- Immediately, schedule a time (in the near future) when both of you can address the issue in calmness.
This helps avoid the problem of ignoring the issue and never getting any resolution. It also allows the relationship to heal and actually grow stronger by the bonds of knowing that they can trust each other and express themselves in a caring way and change their behaviors to be more considerate and loving.
When you get angry, and if you are in doubt whether you can control your anger appropriately or not, take a time out. (“If in doubt, take a time out.”), especially if the miracle way out (“Up”) needs some time to take effect.
Review of the Types of Distorted Thinking
We are more prone to distorted thinking in the heat of an argument.
Catastrophizing – Making things much worse than they really are.
Mind Reading – Thinking you know what another person is thinking, when you really don’t know.
Negative Filtering – Focusing only on the negative.
Over-Generalizing – Thinking that someone who makes a mistake must be an idiot, when yes, people can make mistakes, but everyone has redeeming qualities, as well.
Dichotomous Thinking – Black & White Thinking: Camping is either completely fun or completely miserable.
Should’s – Seeing life and the world though “Should Glasses” – Thinking how people or events should be as opposed to accepting them how they are. This mindset really backfires, because the more you should people, the less influence you have over them.
Personalizing – Taking responsibility for (and trying to “fix”) something that someone else has done.
Blaming – Placing a fault or a result on someone else that belongs to you.
Unfair Comparisons – Comparing yourself to someone else in a superficial manner to make you look or feel better (or sometimes look or feel worse).
Learn how to recognize distorted thinking, then replace it with healthy, balanced thinking. This helps you learn how to tell yourself the truth regarding a person or issue and then to express yourself and respond more appropriately.
Mind Reading – Thinking you know what another person is thinking, when you really don’t know.
Negative Filtering – Focusing only on the negative.
Over-Generalizing – Thinking that someone who makes a mistake must be an idiot, when yes, people can make mistakes, but everyone has redeeming qualities, as well.
Dichotomous Thinking – Black & White Thinking: Camping is either completely fun or completely miserable.
Should’s – Seeing life and the world though “Should Glasses” – Thinking how people or events should be as opposed to accepting them how they are. This mindset really backfires, because the more you should people, the less influence you have over them.
Personalizing – Taking responsibility for (and trying to “fix”) something that someone else has done.
Blaming – Placing a fault or a result on someone else that belongs to you.
Unfair Comparisons – Comparing yourself to someone else in a superficial manner to make you look or feel better (or sometimes look or feel worse).
Learn how to recognize distorted thinking, then replace it with healthy, balanced thinking. This helps you learn how to tell yourself the truth regarding a person or issue and then to express yourself and respond more appropriately.
Notes & Worksheet
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