Defensiveness vs Openness
Video Notes
The 4 Destroyers of Marriage (or of any relationship)
Defensiveness and criticism often work off each other and compound one another.
Examples of Defensive Headers:
Some defensiveness is healthy:
When defensiveness becomes a pattern, it becomes a problem.
The replacement behavior for defensiveness is: OPENNESS
The personal “attack” that you perceive would destroy your happiness may be a blessing in disguise.
- Criticism
- Contempt (depreciation, disrespect, disdain)
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling (withdrawal, refusing to engage, “silent treatment”)
Defensiveness and criticism often work off each other and compound one another.
Examples of Defensive Headers:
- “Yes, but...”
- “What about when you...”
- “At least I’m not...”
- “You’re the one to talk!”
Some defensiveness is healthy:
- If there are lies circulating about you, you should correct misconceptions people may have.
- If you are being attacked verbally, you should walk away.
- If you are being attacked physically, you should run away (protect yourself).
When defensiveness becomes a pattern, it becomes a problem.
The replacement behavior for defensiveness is: OPENNESS
The personal “attack” that you perceive would destroy your happiness may be a blessing in disguise.
“Eat the meat, but leave the bone.”
Take what the person is saying and extract from it the part that is valuable or applicable to you (even if it was said inappropriately or is not completely accurate) and leave (ignore) the rest.
We often become defensive because we have distorted thoughts about the relationship or interaction:
These unrealistic expectations and distorted thoughts lay a foundation that makes it almost impossible for us to receive criticism in a gracious way and benefit from it, so instead, we naturally become defensive.
A useful exercise to avoid defensiveness is to “Argue the Other Person’s Case.”
Dysfunctional defensiveness occurs when we defend our own agenda at all costs. Try to reverse this tendency by switching roles and advance the other person’s agenda. This exercise:
Next time you get into a conflict, try looking at the issue from the other person’s perspective. Most of the time, you will find that a little miracle occurs. Defensiveness disappears. Communication opens. Love wins!
We often become defensive because we have distorted thoughts about the relationship or interaction:
- “Relationships should always be happy.”
- “There should never be any problems.”
- “I should be perfect. No one should ever find anything wrong with me.”
- “If there is a problem in the relationship, I must have failed.”
- “If that is what you think about me, then you must not love me.”
These unrealistic expectations and distorted thoughts lay a foundation that makes it almost impossible for us to receive criticism in a gracious way and benefit from it, so instead, we naturally become defensive.
A useful exercise to avoid defensiveness is to “Argue the Other Person’s Case.”
Dysfunctional defensiveness occurs when we defend our own agenda at all costs. Try to reverse this tendency by switching roles and advance the other person’s agenda. This exercise:
- Gets you out of the defensive mode (and relieves the pressure).
- Places you on the other person’s side. (You both come together.)
- Communication becomes more rational, and less emotional or personal (not me, me, me).
- Creates the mutual goal of problem solving by coming to an agreement.
- Avoids the power struggle.
Next time you get into a conflict, try looking at the issue from the other person’s perspective. Most of the time, you will find that a little miracle occurs. Defensiveness disappears. Communication opens. Love wins!
Notes & Worksheet
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