Criticism vs Affirmation
Video Notes
Human beings are by nature negatively focused = problem focused.
75% of interactions between elementary school teachers and their students is negative. In a child’s lifetime from birth to 18 years old, he hears the word “No” 148,000 times.
Positive interaction, particularly affirmation, must be learned as a personal skill. We must proactively, intentionally be positive, or we will revert back to our negative, critical patterns.
When Isaac Watts as a young man complained about the hymns at church being boring, his father challenged him to write a hymn of his own. So, he wrote, “When I Survey the Wonderous Cross,” and over 350 other hymns as well, many famous ones, including “Joy to the World.”
There is a place for criticism. “Constructive” criticism serves a function. Human beings are capable of reason, and what we call critical thinking. Not all criticism is bad.
But, we need to capture this beast and train it, so that it benefits us and others.
People who are raised in an environment where there is much criticism among the family of origin tend to have more depressive symptoms and diagnoses of depression.
A critical environment at home is associated with a broad spectrum of mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders.
75% of interactions between elementary school teachers and their students is negative. In a child’s lifetime from birth to 18 years old, he hears the word “No” 148,000 times.
Positive interaction, particularly affirmation, must be learned as a personal skill. We must proactively, intentionally be positive, or we will revert back to our negative, critical patterns.
When Isaac Watts as a young man complained about the hymns at church being boring, his father challenged him to write a hymn of his own. So, he wrote, “When I Survey the Wonderous Cross,” and over 350 other hymns as well, many famous ones, including “Joy to the World.”
There is a place for criticism. “Constructive” criticism serves a function. Human beings are capable of reason, and what we call critical thinking. Not all criticism is bad.
But, we need to capture this beast and train it, so that it benefits us and others.
People who are raised in an environment where there is much criticism among the family of origin tend to have more depressive symptoms and diagnoses of depression.
A critical environment at home is associated with a broad spectrum of mental illnesses, such as schizophrenia and other psychotic disorders.
“He has the right to criticize, who has the heart to help.” -- Abraham Lincoln
Do you have the heart to help the person you criticize?
Before you criticize, ask yourself:
Also, be especially aware of and avoid cyber criticism! >> Cyber Bullying!! It is best to address sensitive issues “eyeball-to-eyeball.”
The replacement behavior for criticism is: AFFIRMATION
Learn to affirm people. This does not come naturally to us.
Recommendation: If you are a “critiholic,” go on a “criticism fast” for 2-3 weeks where you criticize nothing, no one, not even yourself.
Afterwards, when you do issue a criticism, do it in an Affirmation Sandwich style.
Before you criticize, ask yourself:
- Do I love or hate to criticize?
- Do I criticize to help the person? Is that my motive?
- Is my criticism kind and personal?
Also, be especially aware of and avoid cyber criticism! >> Cyber Bullying!! It is best to address sensitive issues “eyeball-to-eyeball.”
The replacement behavior for criticism is: AFFIRMATION
Learn to affirm people. This does not come naturally to us.
Recommendation: If you are a “critiholic,” go on a “criticism fast” for 2-3 weeks where you criticize nothing, no one, not even yourself.
Afterwards, when you do issue a criticism, do it in an Affirmation Sandwich style.
- First, you Affirm that person.
- Then issue the Criticism. (kindly, personally)
- And then follow-up with another Affirmation. (This helps soften the blow.)
In a marital relationship, in order to neutralize the emotional impact of a criticism, one must affirm 5 times. The healthy ratio is: 5 Affirmations for every 1 Criticism.
What is the effect of an affirming environment in the home?
Affirm someone you would normally criticize. Sadly it is usually someone close to us that we tend to criticize. Try turning that around: Intentionally, pro-actively affirm that person. They won’t know what hit them.
You will quickly realize that affirmations can be a pleasant and healthy surprise for both of you!
- Fatherly affirmation is associated with increased self-esteem and decreased fear of intimacy in girls.
- Fathers who affirm their daughters are more capable of forming healthy relationships.
Affirm someone you would normally criticize. Sadly it is usually someone close to us that we tend to criticize. Try turning that around: Intentionally, pro-actively affirm that person. They won’t know what hit them.
You will quickly realize that affirmations can be a pleasant and healthy surprise for both of you!
- The one affirming (the Affirmer) and
- The one being affirmed (the Affirmee).
Notes & Worksheet
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